Sunday, October 28, 2012

The Next Four Days...

The next four days were similar to the first three, minus that 5 minutes of energy from the first phone call.

I remember talking to my sister and she said that maybe the doctors are wrong. Maybe they don't know what they are talking about. I told her that I hoped they weren't right. I was in my kitchen. In the dark. Pacing.

There was still plenty of crying. Still plenty of praying.

There was also a glimmer of hope. Maybe we'd be able to see our baby, at least for a few minutes. Just to tell the baby we loved her.

I kept repeating the doctor's words over and over in my mind: the fetus. He didn't even say 'baby'. This was my baby not some sort of inanimate object. MY BABY he was talking about.

They say there are stages a person goes through with bad news. I went through the questioning, the depression, the anger.

In all of this, with the lack of movement, I was now also wondering every day....is the baby still alive?

I finally received the next call I was waiting for. It was the nurse again. She said that the test results were in and the baby, which was a girl, had Mosaic Trisomy 22. Nine out of the 15 cells tested in the amniotic fluid had an additional chromosome 22. Six of the fifteen cells were normal.

They explained the process of the cells splitting and said that with the amount of anomalies the fetus has, with this rare genetic defect, they repeated that it is not compatible with life. They made sure I remembered my appointment for genetic counseling.

I hung up the phone. I started to cry, again. Again asking why. I had to call Scott. I called my mom. I sat and cried.

What did I do wrong? Was it the odor from the entertainment center? Was it the exercising? The cleaning fluid at the gym? What did I do? Why was this happening?

Why?

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